“Life-Size 2″ is ridiculous on a whole new level. The sequel follows Grace (Francia Raisa, “Grownish”), a 20-something CEO grudgingly running Marathon Toys, a company founded by her now-incarcerated mother. In a callback to the original, Marathon is the company that created the beloved Eve doll, which Grace haphazardly agrees to discontinue in an effort to keep her struggling company afloat. But Grace’s young neighbor, Lex (“Jane the Virgin’s” Alison Fernandez), balks at Grace’s decision to get rid of the popular doll and suggests they consult Eve (Tyra Banks) herself, which requires a magic spell. The life-size Eve helps Grace fight for her company, even as the board of directors attempts to remove her as CEO.
Sounds pretty standard issue for a holiday movie, right? That’s until you realize that the sequel is apparently geared toward the same audience that watched the first movie — meaning viewers who are now grown-ups. It’s . . . a lot.
We’ve put together a list of the craziest moments.
1. The movie starts with a wild party hosted by Grace, who spends the evening in a drunken stupor and can recall only regretful snippets when she wakes up the next morning. This is our first clue that the movie is TV-14 (the original was TV-PG). Also, Perez Hilton makes a cameo.
2. CNN political commentator Van Jones makes a cameo as an LNN anchor reporting on Grace’s troubled tenure as CEO of Marathon Toys.
3. Even though this happened in the original, it’s still insane that Grace is able to bring her childhood doll to life with a spell from a book containing instructions on resurrecting the dead. Though not technically weird in the grand scheme of movie sequels, this seems the best place to mention that in lieu of a Lindsay Lohan cameo, we get a picture of her character, Casey — who has become part of the toy company’s lore — tucked away in a box of keepsakes from Grace’s mother.
4. After going to bed assuming, as one would, that the spell did not succeed in bringing Eve to life, Grace wakes up and finds a life-size Eve staring at her. “Look at you!” the doll says.
“Did we . . . last night?” Grace asks.
“Did we what?” a clueless Eve wonders.
“Sleep together,” Grace says.
“We sure did,” Eve tells her. “And it was magical! I waited a very long time for this moment.”
“This moment. … Am I your first girl?” Grace asks. (The innuendo continues for much longer than it should.)
5. Eve invites herself to join Grace at brunch and proceeds to order a ton of food including hush puppies (she barks as she orders them) and butter that she eats by the stick. The chef, Hyde (Rico Ball), comes out to introduce himself to the woman who ordered half the menu, and he begins to flirt with Eve, noting that he wants to make sure she’s “completely satisfied.”
“Girl, he likes your peaches and wants to shake your tree,” Grace’s friend Tahlia (Shanica Knowles) explains to an oblivious Eve.
6. Eve spots a man beatboxing on a street corner. “Hippity Hop Eve told me about this,” she says, before dropping bars — well, one bar really: “I’m cruisin’ down the ocean in my fly, fly yachty yachty,” she raps.
7. When Grace shows no signs of reversing her decision to discontinue the Eve doll, Grace’s Eve calls in reinforcements using her toy mobile phone. She talks to the Eve that helped Lindsay Lohan’s character back in the day and gets bad news: If the Eve doll is discontinued, they will all cease to exist. When Grace’s Eve tells her, um, colleague that she doesn’t think she can change Grace’s mind, O.G. Eve unleashes a classic ANTM reference.
“I am rooting for you, we are all rooting for you. How dare you doubt yourself,” she yells.
8. We’re treated to an inevitable makeover montage as Tahlia transforms Eve’s tangled tresses into an elaborate crown of four-strand braids. Leikeli47′s “Wash and Set” (refrain: “hair, conditioner, leave-in / leave-in, hair, conditioner, leave-in”) thumps in the background.
The masked Brooklyn rapper also serves as the soundtrack when Eve trades her bubblegum-pink evening gown for more daytime-friendly fashion. The total cost exceeds $12,000. “Cuz baby it’s a look.”
Designer Christian Cowan also makes a cameo here.
9. Under the mistaken impression that Lex is being bullied by her classmates, Grace crudely refers to a group of middle schoolers as “thots” before making fun of their physical appearance.
10. Grace and Eve go to the mall, where they ride a miniature train and make holiday treats including a gingerbread house. Eve, wearing a candy-cane-colored jumpsuit complete with feathery white trim, suggests they take a photo with Santa. This prompts what may be the most bizarre read on the #MeToo movement, well, ever.
“It’s just a lot has changed this past year,” Grace tells Eve. “There’s been an entire movement that suggests that two women sitting on a powerful man’s lap as he offers them gifts while shouting ‘Ho . . . Ho . . . Ho . . . Ho . . . Ho,’ it’s not exactly PC.”
“Actually, it’s just three hos,” Eve replies.
11. While waiting in Santa’s line, Grace runs into Calum, a handsome (and surprise: single!) acquaintance, whose little sister has come along with her own Eve doll. The life-size Eve plays wing woman, volunteering to take the little girl for hot chocolate so Grace and her love interest can catch up.
The two head to a food truck manned by Chef Hyde — apparently the only chef in Atlanta. More inappropriate flirting ensues.
“Your eyelashes are as long as peacock feathers and your smile shines so bright and so far,” Eve tells him. “And your pecs, they look as delicious as your juicy chicken tastes.”
12. A few scenes later, after Chef Hyde has joined in on holiday fun at the mall, he pushes Eve’s hair back and whispers — no, growls: “You smell good enough to eat.”
“I want you to be my extra special friend!” Eve squeals as Grace pulls her away.
13. Grace recruits Lex and her middle school friends to brainstorm ideas for an updated Eve doll at a sleepover. The requisite dance sequence features moves — including the shoot dance and the floss — that will look familiar to you if you know any children between the ages of 6 and 15.
14. After a successful brainstorm, Grace overhears Eve talking to Eve doll headquarters (reminder: on a toy phone) and angrily assumes she is an impostor attempting to steal her business ideas. She dismissively recites the incantation that brought Eve to life and she disappears.
15. Van Jones returns to announce that Grace has been ousted from her company by a unanimous vote. Jones editorializes, saying he questions Grace’s mother’s judgment in putting Grace in the CEO position in the first place. “If Grace Martin were my kid, I’d put her over my knee, I’d put her in timeout, but I sure wouldn’t give her the keys to my kingdom,” he says.
16. Eve resurfaces as Grace makes an appeal to the board. Eve wears a gold satin dress with a giant bow as she spits a largely unintelligible rap, a remix of the Eve doll theme song: “Dress me up H to T/ Dance all night / Club I’ll be / With my chick, Gracie Girl / Ace BF in this world / Get up girl, you the heir / Be in charge, fix that hair…”
17. It looks like Grace has won over the board. “The new line of Eve dolls will inspire kids to be unapologetically proud of who they are and keep it 100, 24/7, 365,” Grace says, as Lex and her friends introduce the new Eve editions.
“Eve-quality!” Grace says as a child introduces Woke Eve. “Rainbows reign,” Grace notes as another introduces Love Is Love Eve. “Thick and thin, it’s all in,” Grace says as Curvalicious Eve makes her debut. Quarterback Eve is also introduced as a nod to the football-playing Casey.
We also meet CEO Eve, modeled after Grace, of course.
18. More rapping happens. Excerpt: “Thick and thin, short and tall / Dimpled booty, love it all.”
19. Did we mention this is televised rapping? “Change that channel and I will shank you,” Grace’s mom says from prison before her inevitable redemption.
20. “Do you think you can handle all this?” Eve suggestively asks Chef Hyde, who wants to go back to Sunnyvale with her and is apparently still unaware that she’s a literal doll. (He is sure he can handle it, and also becomes a doll.)
21. Ostensibly back in Sunnyvale, Eve discovers that Chef Hyde’s culinary skills can now create only plastic food.
If you missed “Life-Size 2” or want to watch it again (minimal judgment offered), it’s available to stream on Hulu and, through your cable provider, on the Freeform website.